What We Want
by moonlightfan78
Summary: Jace and Clary are struggling with love in the wake of Valentine's disastrous bombshell, but they will find that sometimes what we want and what we need are the same thing.


What We Want

Jace grunted as his seraph blade connected again and again with Alec's weapon. He pushed and pushed relentlessly even when Alec fell. He stood breathing heavily, sweat dripping into his eyes as Alec stared up at him in surprise. Jace stood back and dropped the blade breathing even harder. Alec stood quickly brushing himself off staring at Jace in disgust.

"You know you can't have her." he said quietly, breathing heavily.

Jace pushed his hands through his hair and wiped his eyes with the hem of his shirt. "I have no idea what you're talking about." He lied casually staring directly at him, daring him to go on.

"You can lie all you want to us and to yourself, but you know deep inside that this "thing" with Clary is wrong." Alec said the word haltingly because Jace's eyes had frosted over.

"I couldn't care less." He lied smoothly, and if Alec hadn't seen the pain in his eyes he might have believed it. "so mind your own business."

Alec raised a dark eyebrow and waited. Jace cussed and stalked out of the room angrier than he had been in a long time. If he was honest, he had lived angry since the day valentine had dropped his little bombshell. He seethed constantly and felt unease crawling over him constantly, out of place in his own skin.

He stormed into his room and slammed the door. It bounced back and he slammed it shut twice more just for good measure. It felt damn good to see the wood frame crack. He felt the rage, the helplessness inside him and it bubbled over needing release. He was absolutely in love with her and they could never be together now that the horror of their parentage had been revealed.

Yet he still loved her, wanted her like he wanted air. He felt like a drowning man gasping with no hope of a reprieve. He jerked the sweat soaked t shirt off and threw it across the room. He balled his fists up and slammed them again and again against the wall, feeling good about the pain each blow brought. He knew his knuckles were bleeding but didn't care he couldn't stop, the rage, the unfairness of it all was killing him.

The gasp sounded loud above his grunts and he turned wild eyes to the cracked doorway. Clary stood staring at him with shock and worry on her face. Her sweet green eyes were misted with tears and her hair flowed over her like a red riotous river, making her seem like an angel. Jace's gut twisted at the sight of her, so beautiful, so perfect, so off limits, damn it hurt.

"Get out of here Clary," he growled as he turned back to the wall and began to swing "now is not the time to push my control." He hit the wall harder, sure he'd broken at least a few of his knuckles but not caring, her sweet scent, was driving him insane. It wrapped around him and tantalized him with something he could never have and he hated it.

He felt her presence behind him but couldn't look at her, It was just too painful. He prayed to the angel that she would take pity on him and go away, just long enough that he could gain control. Right now if she touched him he didn't know what he would do or how much he could keep himself from doing.

Tentative, gentle hands wrapped around his waist and held on. Jace's heart burned and he felt the fire roar through his body at her touch. He felt her hands slid up and wrap around his wrists slowing the pounding rhythm. He gasped and leaned back into her, unable to help himself. She pressed herself against him and he could feel every inch of her around him.

"Jace" she whispered softly "don't do this, let me help you." Her lips whispered over the skin of his back and his eyes rolled back in his head at the pain it caused, but he wanted more.

"Unless you're ready to give me what we both need" he growled " I suggest you leave." He pushed against her disengaging her grip around his waist, "or have you just come here to drive me mad." He asked the question turning his anger to sarcasm needing to push her away.

He turned on her and walked her backwards until his body trapped hers against the door. "Or maybe it's how you get off." He said silkily as he stoked her hair back from her face and placed both hands on eighther side of her leaning close. "Maybe you like inflicting pain."

Clary felt the pain, pity and hopelessness of it all meld into rage and she lashed out. Her hand struck him and his head jerked back. His eyes darkened but Clary didn't back down, she was hurting as much as he was. " Screw you asshole." She said fiercely as she shoved him away. Jace felt rage surround him again but he didn't miss the tears in her eyes as she pushed him aside.

Jace reacted on instinct, something inside of him cracked open at the sight of her tears over powering his rage, the need to protect her. He grabbed her and wrapped his arms around her holding her back to his front. She head butted him and he grunted as he pulled them both back against the wall, slamming the door with his foot. She struggled but he held her tighter, feeling the tears pouring down her cheeks. He wrapped himself around her not caring that she was still fighting him, he had hurt her and the only thing he could go was hold her.

"Clary, I'm sorry" he murmured again and again against her ear, his breath a warm seduction. "I was an asshole, I didn't mean any of it, I just don't know how to be with you and not BE with you"

Clary stopped fighting breathing heavily. She leaned back against him and relished his touch. His breath sent shivers of fire down her body and against her will she melted. The last two weeks had been hell, every moment she'd thought about him, dreamed about him and wanted him. This distance between them was killing her.

"Jace" she said softly as the tears flowed out of her broken heart faster "I don't know how to either, but I know that I can't have my life without you in it." She slumped over the tears flowing faster as they both crumbled to the floor wrapped around each other. Jace flipped her over and took her into his arms, pressing her against his naked chest. He pulled her flush against him and held her so tightly they were almost one skin.

He lifted her tear stained face to his own and realized that he was crying for the first time in two weeks. He traced her face and put his forehead against hers breathing her in. Her lips were inches from his, the sweetest torture. Her small, capable hands clutched his back and the skin to skin contact was devastating. Her scent enticed him and he felt all the bullshit fall away, his facade crumbled under her hands and he said the only thing he could say "I love you Clary."

Clary sighed and moved that last inch taking his lips. Jace's world spun because he hadn't kissed her since that night in the greenhouse and his body hungered for it, despite the circumstances. His mind shut down as his emotions took over. His lips stormed down on hers, parting them roughly, his passion forceful, born of depiration and love.

Clary moaned and deepened the kiss, knowing somewhere inside her that this was right. Something in her told her that this was her soulmate. Clary knew she should stop him, knew she should say no but she couldn't.

"God, Jace I love you." She moaned against his lips "I love you so much it hurts."

Jace melted into the kiss and allowed his hands to roam over her. She moved with him, in perfect rhythm with his body. She met his kiss and gave as good as she got, she challenged him, begged him for more. She arched invitingly and his hands moved to unbutton her shirt. His fingers touched the soft at her waist and he was in heaven. She groaned and pulled him closer, wanting more.

Jace looked down into her beautiful face and saw the haunted tortured look in her eyes which mingled with passion. He knew as much as he wanted this, wanted her, that it wasn't right. Alec's words echoed in his head and he moved back not able to believe his own strength of will when she was lying there with her arms open.

He huddled back against the wall, wrapping his arms around himself. He raked his hands through his hair and didn't look at her, turning away, afraid he would change his mind. "Please leave," he almost sobbed even though he tried for disdain. "I can't do this."

He felt her move and the rustle of her clothing on her skin was like a caress. He bit his lip and continued to ignore her, hoping she would leave, hoping he could actually let her.

Her bare feet shuffled the few steps to him and stopped. She dropped down beside him and did the most surprising thing, she wrapped herself around him. He turned to her as her arms surrounded him and pulled her into his lap. She wrapped her arms around his shoulders and her legs around his waist and held on. They both knew that what they wanted was lost, but it didn't make the pain less, at least they could give this to each other.

He slid his arms around her in return and buried his face in her silky hair and held on. They both cried wondering what they were going to do next.


End file.
